As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
