"I believe I was simply trying to survive for the first year."
Ex- reality TV star Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the challenges of fatherhood.
Yet the actual experience quickly proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.
Serious health issues surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver as well as looking after their baby boy Leo.
"I took on every night time, each diaper… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan stated.
Following 11 months he reached burnout. That was when a conversation with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help.
The direct phrases "You're not in a healthy space. You must get support. In what way can I help you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and regain his footing.
His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although society is now more accustomed to talking about the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges fathers go through.
Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help
Ryan thinks his challenges are symptomatic of a broader inability to talk amongst men, who still hold onto harmful ideas of masculinity.
Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time."
"It isn't a display of failure to ask for help. I didn't do that fast enough," he clarifies.
Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men can be reluctant to accept they're finding things difficult.
They can think they are "not justified to be requesting help" - especially ahead of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental health is equally important to the family.
Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the opportunity to request a pause - going on a short trip away, separate from the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.
He came to see he had to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states as well as the practical tasks of caring for a newborn.
When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -holding her hand and listening to her.
'Parenting yourself
That realisation has transformed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.
He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he gets older.
Ryan thinks these will assist his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.
The notion of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.
When he was young Stephen lacked stable male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, deep-held trauma resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their connection.
Stephen says suppressing emotions caused him to make "terrible actions" when younger to alter how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt.
"You gravitate to things that are harmful," he notes. "They may temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."
Strategies for Getting By as a New Father
- Open up to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a family member, your partner or a therapist how you're feeling. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
- Remember your hobbies - continue with the things that made you feel like yourself before becoming a parent. It could be exercising, socialising or playing video games.
- Don't ignore the physical stuff - nutritious food, physical activity and where possible, resting, all are important in how your mental state is coping.
- Meet other new dads - listening to their stories, the challenges, along with the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
- Understand that seeking help isn't failing - prioritising you is the best way you can support your loved ones.
When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for many years.
As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead give the security and emotional support he missed out on.
When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the feelings safely.
The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they faced their pain, altered how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their sons.
"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and handling things," says Stephen.
"I expressed that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my role is to instruct and tell you on life, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am discovering an equal amount as you are through this experience."
